Love & Communication

I was sitting watching an episode of Rob & Chyna with my mum one evening and they were talking about love languages and they both did a test.  I had heard of the love languages before and decided we should take the test as well as it could be a good thing to know. 

A lot of problems today are caused by miscommunication and thinking someone doesn’t love and care for you because they are not exhibiting what you think is loving and caring behaviour.  There are 5 love languages which are:

  1. Acts Of Service – do things to help you & make things easier
  2. Physical Touch – give hugs & touch you when talking
  3. Quality Time – their presence & undivided attention truly listening to you
  4. Word Affirmations – tell you how much they love you, are proud of you, thankful for you
  5. Receiving Gifts – gifts that are thoughtful & personal to you, that you would appreciate & like.

The test is very informative and the results are good to know.  Personally, I would say the top 2 which you score are the most important with the highest being your primary language.  I read something once where this woman said that she was talking to her partner about her day and she had mentioned that she had gotten a ladder in one of her tights.  When she got home there was a pack of 5 new tights on the bed for her.  I thought it was the most romantic thing ever.  As a result, it was no surprise to me that my primary language was Quality Time and my second highest was Receiving Gifts.  This guy had done everything I dream of – undivided attention & listening (quality time) and then brought something which wasn’t asked for and was thoughtful & personal (receiving gifts).

I can see how it would be a good thing to know especially when you have children because you could be showing them love and they could be thinking you don’t care about them all because you communicate it differently.

Miscommunication

For instance if you have a child whose main love language is word affirmations and your primary language is acts of service they could grow up thinking you don’t care as you don’t express to them that you love them or you are proud of them and you may even cause more emotional harm by not knowing this especially if you only criticise their efforts or express when you are disappointed.  Imagine growing up only hearing how you have messed up and never being told when you have done well.  If word affirmations are your primary love language this can be devastating and leave you feeling unloved.  As a parent, you may also think that your child really doesn’t care about you if your primary language was acts of service as you are always doing things for them to lighten their burden (helping with homework etc) and they are unknowingly adding to your load by creating more mess for instance.

In romantic relationships, it is also good to know this information.  My primary love language is quality time but if my partners primary love language was physical touch we could have huge problems if we were both unaware of each other’s love communication style.  I could be fine just seeing you and having you around in the house, knowing you are there.  If I was to hear you say you had a lot of work on & you were a bit stressed I would be asking you about your day and giving you my undivided attention, really listening to what you are saying as that is my love language.  He could be thinking the whole time that I don’t care because he is looking for a hug or a back/foot rub because physical touch is how he shows love.  Not knowing this could easily cause arguments if he was to say that I didn’t care because I would be confused as to how he couldn’t see that I clearly do as I give him my attention.

How Can It Help

I honestly think that everyone should find out their love language and read up on the others.  As soon as I became aware of all the others I have been able to accurately guess the language of those closest to me before they took the test and when everyone took the test we shared with each other our results and the changes have been profound.  Just by being aware that my mum’s primary language was acts of service I was able to put into context why she noticed and was so happy with little things such as when I washed the dishes without her asking.  I now know that little simple acts to ease her load has a much more emotional effect and she will interpret it as love so if I feel like she could us some extra love or I just want to let her know I love her I can do things to help her.  On the flip side they know that quality time is how I show love and full undivided attention & LISTENING is very important to me.

Knowing each other’s love language has been one of the best things that we have done as a family.  Although it may not be easy to always show someone you love them in their way by making more a conscious effort to try and show it in their way a bit more and by being more mindful of how they show love it can save a lot of unnecessary arguments and resentments from arising.  It is all about understanding the different ways people communicate.  As a result your relationships (both romantic and non-romantic) can improve vastly especially if you discover you have completely opposite communication styles and they have in fact been showing you all along.  If you have similar styles (your primary and their second highest are the same) then you can still improve on your relationship communications with a few minor tweaks.

Here are a few examples of what you could do for each love language:

  • Physical Touch – hugs, belly/chest rub, back massage, foot massage
  • Acts Of Service – do something to ease their load – e.g. cook for them if they have been busy all day, do the laundry, pack the shopping away
  • Word Affirmations – tell them when they have done some you like or admire. Tell them when you are proud.  Also don’t forget to tell them why.
  • Receiving Gifts – get them something unique & personal to them.
  • Quality Time – be present, listen to them & give them your undivided attention when they are talking to you.

Take the test with your loved ones and let me know how it has helped you.

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